Suburban Warrior

My mom always warned me that as we age our faces will get hairier and our bodies will dry up.

Well...I'm sitting in my car at a red light, an unusually long red light. Hmmm...how should I spend the time? I can't think of a better way than to flip down the mirror and study myself (FYI: you get the best lighting in your car). After I got over the initial shock of realizing my pores were bigger than those of Edward James Olmos, I saw something that had previously escaped me...a hair was growing directly out of my adam's apple!! A jet black hair at that! What the? How long has that stray hair, no, STRAY ROPE been growing there? How long have I been parading around town with my long friend? Oh, great, in the last week I've been socializing with family members I haven't seen in a year...and none of them said a thing!! Thanks! It's a wonder I didn't strangle myself in my sleep with that thing! I guess its begun...

Speaking of facial hair...doesn't every family have some female hairy faced relative?? I know we did...and her name was Aunt Sis. Poor Aunt Sis...it wasn't just hairy, it was stubble. How does that happen? Aunt Sis' sister, my grandmother, had a face as smooth as a baby's bottom...but not Aunt Sis!! My sisters and I hated to kiss her and, unfortunately, Aunt Sis was a big one for hugs and kisses. As we got older, we secretly referred to her as Uncle Sis. The only thing I can think of is that at some point in her life, Aunt Sis must have taken a razor to her puss...and we all felt that ramifications of that mistake years later.

Now I'm just waiting to dry up...

Greetings again...from the Belly of the Beast (Harry John's house)!!

My family leaves NJ tomorrow morning, FIRST THING!! This has been the longest 5 days of my life. The children have fought nonstop...which leads me to eat nonstop...

They do things differently for Easter up here in Jersey. On the night before Easter, the kids hide carrots and during the night the Easter bunny comes and leaves presents in the place of the carrots. Huh? The candy is not enough?? So, basically, the kids are complete monsters all week and then they get rewarded with presents? Aunt Meggy and HJ are nicer parents then we are...they did their "Bunny shopping" at Toys R Us and I raced out and did mine at Dollar Tree. The difference in loot was apparent to both Elizabeth and her cousins. I have no doubt this obvious discrimination by the Easter Bunny will send Elizabeth to therapy in her teen years.

I have to keep this short as I'm still in the enemy's home, but I'll be home tomorrow...although my husband just reported that our computer at home crashed...later!

Well, I'm here.

This is how I was woken this morning...

6:30 am...I'm FINALLY asleep after a night of Elizabeth rolling on me, grinding her teeth, crying for her daddy, etc. I'm sleeping on Aunt Meggy's blow up aero-bed (which sucks by the way) in their family room. I've never had the pleasure of an aero bed, but it has more movement than a water bed and because its filled with air, it was like sleeping on a block of ice. Anyhoo...I had just dozed off, hoping to get a few winks before all 4 kids get up and all hell breaks loose...when enter HARRY JOHN!! HJ was on his way to work when he decides to pull the plug on my aero bed...thus quickly deflating it and making me crash to the hard wood floor. Jack Ass just stood there laughing at me wrapped up in this sorry excuse for a bed they make their guests sleep on!! Everyone should have a brother-in-law like Harry John.

To top it all off, HJ just informed us he took tomorrow off...

Holy Moly...it's Holy Week!!

I'm back from St. Patrick's Day!! I'm just about recovered as we roll into Holy Week...Truthfully, I was very good with my appletini intake...not so good with my dessert intake (has everyone seen the apple pies from Costco?? Two words: De Licious!). Well, I've decided that was my last "hurrah"! I am going to get serious AGAIN about my eating habits and exercise. I need to get back in tip top warrior shape!

On Saturday night we watched the movie "Dodgeball" with Ben Stiller...loved it! I don't know anyone else who has seen it, but we thoroughly enjoyed it. It brought back so many great childhood memories watching kids get pelted with a red playground ball. Do you know they don't allow school kids to play dodgeball on the playground anymore because it's too dangerous? or Red Rover? Sheesh...If they got rid of those, I would assume they did away with my husband's favorites, Smear the Queer and Fag Tag. Those were my husband's games/words, not mine...I, personally, was partial to SPUD.

On Tuesday, I leave for NJ to spend Easter with Aunt Meggy and Harry John!! I promise to do my best to blog from there, but I will have to wait until Harry John is out of sight...

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all my readers!! This holiday is a big day in our home, as my family is composed of Higgins, Flynns, Brennans, McHughs, etc. Unfortunately, I married a Kraut so I have to work hard today to show my true heritage (my father-in-law has some Irish blood, so they can't be all bad...). I do draw the line at making cornbeef and cabbage...PEEE UUUU!! That stuff stinks up the house! Actually, I should be honest...I draw the line at cooking most things...However, we are having some friends over for Appletinis, beer, and Irish desserts.

My husband even took the day off to be with his Irish maid (his pet name for moi). Over breakfast, he reminisced about St. Pat's Day during his childhood. Allegedly, his mother made either a shamrock cake or a leprechaun cake and decorated it with her homemade green icing. I just stared at him...then I said, "I hope you're not expecting that". I mean does he NOT read my Suburban Warrior profile?? I hate all things domestic and that includes MAKING GREEN YUMMY TREATS ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY ...even if I am Irish. I told him to go pour himself a bowl of Lucky Charms.

Last year, I told Elizabeth the tradition of pinching anyone that isn't wearing green. As usual, that backfired and she was written up at school for disorderly conduct. THAT'S MY IRISH GIRL!! What a lass that one is going to be!

Aunt Meggy and Harry John really celebrate...they have babysitters lined up THROUGH SUNDAY!!!

Anyhoo...Kelli Eileen wishes all of you a very Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Well, I knew HE would rear his balding head again...and he did.

In case you missed it, Harry John left one of his disturbing comments after my "Bahama Mama" post. It caught me off guard, as his rant didn't really pertain to anything I've discussed. Once again, I sense anger at the female gender and at stay at home mothers in particular from HJ...Don't worry...I'm sure if Suburban Warrior and all her readers put their heads together we can diagnose what ails Harry John!!

In order to get to the origin of his hate, Harry John needs to honestly look at his past...and to do that he needs to honestly answer the following questions:

Has HJ ever had a homosexual experience?
Is HJ in love with his mother?
Is HJ in love with his unmarried brother?
Is HJ's thong too tight?
Why does HJ secretly wear Easy Spirit shoes for women?

I think if he can truthfully answer these questions we might start peeling away the evil onion layers that make up Harry John. Are my readers with me?

Also...Harry John, I don't mean to be rude, but your grammar and sentence structure... ATROCIOUS! You may want to invest in "The Idiots Guide to Basic Writing".

Anyhoo...say a little prayer for Aunt Meggy.

Please excuse Suburban Warrior for having some lame posts recently...I've been ill with fever. So, this will be a short one, too.

Basically, I have aches, dull headache, slight fever and it feels like all my teeth are wearing tiny sweaters (you know...that yucky, sticky, sick taste that you get in your mouth when you're sick...). But I go on...because I am warrior.

I have spent the last two days on my couch in our family room or in my bed. Elizabeth has been very good at entertaining herself...although I admit she hit an all time high on straight computer play at 3 hours the other day (not all bad as she advanced about 6 levels in her Kim Possible game). However, I did catch her climbing the pantry shelves to get some Lucky Charms. It reminded me of when I was little and my older sister and I would get up early and try and sneak some cookies before our parents woke up. I was the "lookout" in the hallway and she was the actual thief who went to the kitchen to get the goods. After about 2 minutes, she would run past me and yell at me to hurry up and follow her. After we got back to our room and locked the door, I would say, "where are the cookies...how many did you get?" She would then lift up her nightgown and pull the cookies out of her UNDERPANTS!!! The sick part is we would eat them! E. Coli anyone? Oh, God...I just made myself nauseous again.

We have more counter space in our kitchen...Nemo died.

The Barbie suitcase was packed again this morning.

Once again, Elizabeth threatened me with leaving because she didn't like my rules (granted, my rules are really rigid and mean...like brush your teeth, make your bed, eat your breakfast, etc. Yeah, with those rules I make Joan Crawford look like Mary Frickin Poppins). Unlike last time, she did take the time to outfit herself in her favorite pair of Strawberry Shortcake underpants (recently, Elizabeth has been in this phase of only wearing her Strawberry Shortcake undies. Problem is her "shortcake undies" are a size 4 and Elizabeth is pushing 6, so she's constantly pulling her undies out of her ass. Does anyone know where they sell Size 6 Strawberry Shortcake underpants?).

My dilemma is that when I tell Elizabeth to go to her room, she sometimes looks right at me and simply replies, "no". Sometimes she says, "no, thank you". Now, I realize there are readers out there (and you know who you are!) who would simply say to give her a spanking or as my mother so eloquently says, "that kid needs a smash" (don't go getting your Strawberry Shortcake panties in a bunch....my mother is all talk and I was not abused in the least as a child). I'm not making any judgment on parents who do spank their children, but its not a form of punishment that works in our house. I find myself physically carrying my child to her room, which is not easy to do as Elizabeth is almost 6 years old and is no shrinking violet (remember, she IS a Strawberry Shortcake size 6!!). While I'm doing this, she is struggling and it is everything in my power to remain calm. By the time she's in her room I feel like I've gone 13 rounds...and its only 8:00 am. I want to make clear this does not happen often, but when it does I question my approach!

I know I would never resort to this approach.!!!

So I ask you, is there a better way???

Aunt Meggy is on yet another roadtrip...

She left this morning for the Bahamas with a bunch of her stay-at-home mother friends. All week she's been calling me and giving me the countdown to her vacation...and I'm sure she'll be calling from poolside, fruity drink in hand, later this afternoon. Damn her and her Bahama friends.

Of course, Aunt Meggy was excited to go, but first she had to survive the plane ride. I've flown with Aunt Meggy and let me tell you something...it ain't pretty. She's petrified and doesn't hide it. "What's that noise?", "why hasn't the pilot come on the loudspeaker yet?", "that stewardess has a funny look on her face", and every type of Catholic prayer that exists spews from Aunt Meggy's mouth. It's very annoying. This trip to the Bahamas included a short puddle jumper plane, so I'm sure she's in rare form... When she called from the airport this morning to say goodbye I sang "La Bamba" to her. She was not amused. Additionally, to make her feel guilty about leaving her children, I pointed out what would be said to her children in the event Aunt Meggy should perish in a plane crash...kids:"why was Mommy on a plane without the whole family?". Hmmm..."well, kids, your mommy needed a break and she was willing to take the risk in order to get away from you". That would put them in therapy for a few years.

Truthfully, I'm glad Aunt Meggy has this opportunity...and like I told her, I honestly hope nothing happens when her plane flies over the Bermuda triangle.

Bon Voyage!

Has anyone read the book "The Red Tent" by Anita Diamant?

My friend recommended it to me. When I asked what it was about, she said, "its from the Bible and depicts the ancient world of caravans, farmers, midwives in the tribe of Jacob". What the #%$??? Thanks, but no thanks. But my friend insisted it was entertaining and she is usually a good judge of books, so I checked it out from my local library.

Well, let me tell you something about those Bible people...they were gettin it on!!! Everyone was having sex with everyone, even the sheep!! And Jacob...well he was apparently the "bomb" (I could make a really bad joke about "Bible tale", but I won't). He had four wives, who happened to be sisters, and for the most part they seemed very satisfied with the arrangement (eewwww...I just had a thought, that would be like me and all my sisters sharing Harry John). Apparently, Jacob gave new meaning to the term, The Promised Land!! Jackie Collins could learn a thing or two from these characters.

The coolest part of the book, and hence the title, is this concept of the red tent. You see, back then, when women were experiencing that time of the month, they all herded into this red tent for a few days (as often is the case, when women live together their cycles tend to coincide. I know this from sorority house living). So, all the women are excused from work, sex, and basically interacting with society in general during this time. No cooking, cleaning, picking up camel doo doo, nada!! The women simply hang out in the red tent! WHAT A GREAT IDEA!! I think I'm going to pitch my own red tent in my backyard next month!!! My cycle is usually towards the end of the month...anyone else want to join me for some R and R???

Read the book!

Elizabeth is doing fine after the death of Rainbow.

I think reporting the death of Rainbow to Elizabeth actually reminded her she even HAD fish. Basically, she couldn't have cared less...

I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the readers who sent their condolences,heartfelt prayers, and casseroles. I would also like to address my mother-in-law...STOP THE PUPPY PUSHING!!! No puppy (or any live animal for that matter) can replace our Rainbow, so I truly believe we shouldn't even try. The memories of Rainbow will sustain us...at least until Elizabeth is ten years old and can pick up pooh pooh by herself.

So, we sit here waiting for Nemo to go belly up...

Rainbow

On Friday, March 4, 2005 of Loudoun County, Virginia. Loving fish of Elizabeth; grandfish of Suburban Warrior and spouse. Most likely to be followed in death by her beloved Nemo.

Private services and interment were held in the family's powder room bathroom. In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions may be made to Petco.

RIP Rainbow... "may you never again experience swimming upside down, too much chlorine in your bowl or too much food...rejoice as you enter the gates of heaven". You will always be young and orange to us...good-bye to a true friend.

Everytime I turn around I see something booger related.

Today, I'm sitting at a red light and I look over at the driver next to me. Clear as day, I can see him diggin to China up his nose. Its one thing to sneak a pick while your vehicle is moving, but when you're stationary?? How very arrogant. I keep my gaze on him, as I want to humiliate him when he catches me staring at him (I obviously have not put the heshe incident from Starbucks behind me). No luck, as the light turns green...but you know how determined Suburban Warrior is! I am now speeding, changing lanes, risking life and limb...all this simply to catch up to the picker and see if he is still hard at work...But when my daughter says, "Mommy SLOW DOWN!" I stop the chase. Defeated I mumble to myself, "we'll meet again, gross little man...another day, another road, but mark my words, we WILL meet again..." (although he'll probably give himself a brain aneurysm before I see him again...).

It wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that I am constantly battling boogers in my own home as well. My daughter would rather walk 20 feet PAST the tissue box to smear her boogers on our family room couch. And don't even get me started on what the wall next to her bed looks like! Oh, and Elizabeth doesn't limit herself to sticking her boogers on inanimate objects...oh no, my husband and I have, on more than one occasion, found her "stickies" on our own bodies, as well as our coats, pants, socks, pillows, etc. Yes, I know most kids go through this, but it is still disgusting. My nephew, Jack, went through a stage where he would pick his nose, roll up his booger, place it on the tip of his pointer finger, show it to you and simply say, "lighthouse". Okaaaaaaayyyy...

Well, at least they're not eating their boogers...

My little sister (who we refer to as Aunt Meggy) is heading to Atlantic City tonight!! She is very excited as this is a nice break from being a Mommy to Harry John's three demon seeds. The only downside is that Harry John is accompanying her because he has a business meeting in AC.

My sister LOVES to gamble and can't get enough of it. When she turned thirty a few years ago, she requested we celebrate by going to Atlantic City for the night. I had never been to Atlantic City so I was looking forward to it. Well, I don't know why I bothered going...Aunt Meggy becomes a different person when she enters the casino floor...its like she's possessed...her eyes glaze over and she begins "sniffing" for a lucky table or slot machine. I don't think she was even aware that a group of her friends had travelled over four hours to spend the evening with her. I was ready to go home after about ten minutes. I just don't get it...and I mean that literally...I don't get it, I don't understand how to play the odds in craps, roulette, blackjack, anything!!! The most annoying thing is that I'm surrounded by drunken slobs who DO get it!! Even my sister, who never got higher than a C- in Math in her entire academic life, has to keep explaining the rules and the odds to me. I secretly think she loved having that power over me. I know Aunt Meggy was just showboating when she started with her "double down, let it ride, and hit me" talk!!

Anyhoo...good luck tonight at the Borgata, Aunt Meggy!! Remember the wisdom of Kenny Rogers and "know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em and know when to run". Additionally, know when to stop drinking because you have to "deal" with your children in the morning!

I can't believe what happened at Starbucks yesterday!

My friend, Les, and I went to Starbucks for some girl time. We ordered our usual, chai teas and bran muffins (which I highly recommend to get you "moving"). After a few minutes, the tea and muffin had the desired effect and I excused myself to use the Ladies Room (I emphasize the word "Ladies"). Well, when I was just about 2 feet from the Ladies Room door I noticed a man trying the handle to the Men's Room, which was locked. He then quickly turned, looked me right in the eye, and dashed into the LADIES ROOM!! I stood there stunned. Did he just do that?

I ran back to Les and told her what this heshe just did to me. Of course, she was appalled. I could have waited for heshe to finish his business from my table, but I wanted heshe to feel some shame or humiliation for his crass actions. So, I returned to the Ladies Room door and practically smashed my face against the door waiting for heshe to exit...so I could look HIM right in the eye! I waited...and waited...and waited...Heshe was obviously having issues, but I didn't give up and I refused to leave my perch. Heshe FINALLY came out and practically ran me over...and he didn't say one darn thing to me!! Stunned again, I went into the bathroom...only to find the toilet seat still up and the rim wet!! Ugh, that's so Harry John!

So, I ask my readers...what would you have done?