Suburban Warrior

Did everyone watch the Oscars last night?

Unfortunately, Suburban Warrior was still recovering from her late Friday night and fell asleep about 30 minutes into the show. But I did have some comments...

What is the deal with Renee Zellweger?? I'm sure she's a very nice person, but I, personally, find her fugly. In my book, she's physically gone downhill since "Jerry Maguire". I admit she's a very good actress and is dedicated enough to her craft that she is willing to gain a zillion pounds for a role (but come to think of it, I'm just as dedicated... since I've obtained "the role" of stay at home mother, I, too, have gained close to a zillion pounds. Unfortunately, I don't have a million bucks and some hunky personal trainer to help me take the weight off...). But what is the deal with her shiny face?? I would love to take a Stridex pad to her face and see what I come up with! And did you see her last night with her dark hair? Is it my imagination or is she slowly turning Asian?

Ugh, and you can take Annette Bening and Warren (note to Warren: there is nothing sexy about an old goat siring children in his 60's). I enjoyed Annette in "The Grifters", but now she acts as though she is Hollywood royalty. She tries so damn hard to look "poised". She worked the red carpet like she had an Oscar up her ass. Who the hell does she think she is? Dame Judy Dench? I was happy to see her get "Swanked" by Hillary Swank, AGAIN!!

Clint Eastwood...I could take him or leave him. He did look better than he's looked in the past. I remember when I saw "Bridges of Madison County" (snoozefest by the way) a few years ago. He was repulsive with his veins throbbing in his forehead and liver spots all over his body. Clint was suppose to be sexy in that?? Ok, then...my grandfather still has a chance to be voted People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive".

Sorry, but that's all the time I have for today...schools are closed AGAIN because of the weather. If I have to play one more game of Uno...

Well, I had my ladies' night last night. Everytime I go to these get togethers my maturity level drops at least 20 years! Speaking of maturity, try this quiz. I would bet that none of my friends scores over age 30. I know I didn't, but then again, I still enjoy watching "Saved by the Bell".

As usual, my friends and I had a side-splitting good time. We discussed our book, parenting, sex (thanks for all the tips, Sally), fashion (which was all Greek to me) and health. I must admit I did leave this morning feeling freakishly fat. One can only listen to women discussing the best place to purchase Size 0 Long pants for so long...

Stay tuned for comments from the Academy Awards...

Happy TGIF to all my readers!!

I would like to send out a little reminder today...so listen up (that means you, NATALIE). Suburban Warrior writes with exaggeration for comedic effect. I didn't mean to insult Natalie's granddog (remember the old, smelly, ear wax infested, butt draggin labrador retriever) or her daughter (she was described in my "Appletini" post and she has an abundance of ear wax, too). Here at Suburban Warrior, we just want to make people laugh. And I think a fair amount of people laughed at your expense. Good, I'm glad we could clear the air...

Anyhoo...I'm taking off to visit with my old sorority sisters today!! We are currently in the process of writing a book and becoming huge celebrities!! I'll keep you posted...

Big excitement at our house in the last day...

Yesterday I was awakened with a blood curdling "MOOOOMMMMEEEEEEE!!!" I could hear the pitter patter of little feet running towards my bedroom door. Oh God, what now...? My eyes were still crusted shut with sleep, so I blindly searched for the tv remote and threw it in the direction of the feet and said, "watch some Dragon Tales and give Mommy a minute". Mother of the Year rides again. But when I looked up Elizabeth was standing next to my bed with a bloody mouth...great, now I HAVE to get up...It turns out she had lost her FIRST TOOTH!!! We had noticed it was a little loose a few days ago, but that was quick! We put the tooth in a ziploc bag, bloody roots and all!! Elizabeth insisted she take it to school to show her classmates. Snack time would be a good time to share...

Anyhoo...Elizabeth came home from school and informs us that her good friend, Kiki, told her the Toothfairy brought Kiki $10 when Kiki lost her first tooth!!! Hmmm, I do believe Kiki's Toothfairy needs to put down her crack pipe. Damn that Kiki! Well, after consulting with OZ (aka my husband), we put a one dollar piece under Elizabeth's pillow. She was thrilled...

I've gotten a few inquiries about the health of those partners in crime, Nemo and Rainbow. I wish I could share with you how they are doing, but I can't tell as the water in their bowl is so cloudy. I'm assuming they're still in there...

And here is something to make you mad (well, it made me mad anyway). When I told my good friend (who, once again, shall remain nameless) about our fish acquisition, do you know what she said?? She said, "well, I just want to let you know I refuse to watch those fish when you go on any of your roadtrips". As if!! Now, this is the same friend who has an old, smelly, ear wax infested, shedding, butt draggin labrador retriever who I watch every year for ten days while her family heads to sunny California to enjoy all her Hollywood folk!! Can you believe the nerve?! Some of us just give and give and GIVE...and some of us just TAKE TAKE TAKE!

We got my daughter some fish the other day.

She had been complaining that all the other kids have pets except her. Well, we certainly can't have that (she conveniently forgets we have had family pets in the past...a dog that turned into a dingo and tried to eat Elizabeth when she was a baby and a few fish here and there). So, on Monday we were off to that disgusting smelling store, Petco...that place just REEKS!! After much hmming and haahhing, Elizabeth picked out her two $1.29 goldfish and Nemo and Rainbow were bagged and ready to come home with us!! Just a side comment here...who the hell over the age of 18 years old would work in the fish department in a pet store?? Scary looking people that's who!!

Anyhoo...on the way home I explain the lifespan of the domestic fish (more specifically, the domestic fish in our household) to Elizabeth as extremely short. Big mistake. Elizabeth has been on a "DEATH WATCH" ever since!! The last two mornings she has come racing down the stairs yelling, "are they dead yet, are they dead yet?"!! When I pick her up from school, "are Nemo and Rainbow dead yet?". She's really starting to freak me out!

I swear... if I see her snapping the heads off birds...

I would like to take a moment and welcome a new Suburban Warrior reader, my brother-in-law, Harry John. Harry John commented after my entry, Cherub. He was a weasel and signed his comment "anonymous", but I'm going to out him here and now!! I'm sure this will be the first of many comments by Harry John. And as time goes on, I'm sure all my other readers will begin to find Harry John as annoying as I find him.

Harry John is one of those men who MOCK the stay at home mother. I have no idea why Harry John does this, as my sister, his wife, is a superb stay at home mother to his three demon seeds. I can only surmise that Harry John has some "mommy" issues he has yet to work out from his childhood....who knows...but his attitude can be very grating to us hardworking domestic engineers. Harry John should consider the fact that I do not mock hairy, balding, short men.

Anyhoo...I love you, Harry John and welcome aboard!!!

I came across an article on being a so-called slacker mom. This woman's attitude has been my mantra since I became a mother. I admit I sometimes convenietly use this approach to parenting to conceal my own sheer laziness...but mostly I truly believe it.

Along those same lines, one thing that bothers me is how overscheduled our children are becoming. For instance, this time of the year brings the following questions..."is your daughter playing soccer and baseball this spring?"..."will your daughter try and advance to the older age division?"..."is she going to try out for the super All Star tumbling, rolling, squating, standing on your head gymnastics team?"...And let's not forget water fun..."is your daughter going to be on the tadpole swim team or the older stingray team?" Sheesh, she just learned not to crap in the pool...baby steps people, baby steps. Besides, does anyone simply PLAY in the pool in this day and age?? Apparently not after age 4. And what crazy parent would encourage swimming anyway?? I would refuse to get up to drive my kid to a pool at 5:00 am (or a skating rink for that matter). My God, some parents would sign their kids up for La Leche League if they could!! In the summer months we also have our Bible camps!! Actually, praise Jesus for Bible camps! Have you checked out the prices on some of those weekly camps?? They're a steal!! I have a close friend (she shall remain nameless) who signs her kids up for every church camp she possibly can!! I think they attended 6 different camp denominations in 6 weeks last summer. At one point, she was racing to pick them up from Shalom Temple and speeding over to the Jesus Loves Me Program at the Methodist church!

And this overscheduling begins early. I remember feeling like a horrible mother because my kid was almost a year old before she was enrolled in her first Gymboree Class. Well, in my defense...it took me that long because we had to take out a second mortgage in order to afford the "tuitition" to attend Gymboree (my experiences at Gymboree will be covered in a future post).

Anyhoo...its a crying shame.

I'm back and recovering from Valentine's Day!! I can see from the comments that some of you have been awaiting my return. Let me just tell you a little something about Suburban Warrior...I am a LUUUVVVERRRR!! I do alot of lovin on VD (wink wink) as it is not only VD but it also my significant other's birthday. Now, I realize most of you have no idea what I look like, but let me tell you...I look GOOD. Even though I'm a white woman, most of my friends say I remind them of Beyonce. I can see it and I can dig it. So there you have it...I've been busy gettin busy...

I haven't been to the gym all week and my stomach is touching Guam.

My kid's behavior has been atrocious the last few days and that ALWAYS drives me to gorge. After one of her "episodes" I will basically eat anything that doesn't eat me first. In my house, 1 TEMPER TANTRUM=1 TUBE OF PRINGLES. Why is it that after an episode I immediately, and I mean immediately, head to the pantry and find something with sugar to throw down my throat? Why don't I trot over to the treadmill and run a few miles? God, if I took that approach I would weigh about 85 pounds.

And this gluttony can get very embarrassing...before Christmas my mother-in-law gave our family a gingerbread kit to make together. Isn't that a sweet idea...quality family time during the holidays...we could put on some Frank Sinatra Christmas cd's, drink cocoa, work on the gingerbread house and make Christmas memories together. This could be a tradition for our little family. Well...it COULD have been a tradition...had Mommy not gone hog wild and attacked the poor, innocent gingerbread house!! With the stress of Christmas, I began eating the house piece by piece out of the box. First the roof, then the walls, and finally the best part, the gummy decorations. And this was no dinky gingerbread house, it was more like a gingerbread estate and I easily devoured the entire thing in 2 nights. Thank God my daughter is still young enough that I can make ridiculous excuses to explain the disappearance of the gingerbread house..."gee, I dunno know where the house is honey, its a mystery to me, too...probably Daddy or the Boogieman ate it while you were sleeping". And I wonder why I have IBS. I made my husband swear he wouldn't tell his mother, but I could see her eyeballing my kitchen looking for the damn house when she came over for Christmas.

Anyhoo...I am going to the gym tomorrow...Now where the hell did my husband hide my daughter's Valentine's Day candy??????

Well my 5 year old daughter tried to run away again. This is getting to be a habit.

She was angry with me after I told her to turn off the TV and come downstairs for breakfast. I prepared breakfast and sat down with my coffee to read the paper at the kitchen table. Still, no Elizabeth. After 15 minutes or so, I hear "thump, drag, thump" coming down the stairs. I know what's coming, as this is her usual procedure...she is dragging her Barbie suitcase behind her as she informs me she is going to live somewhere else. Only one problem. She is only wearing her pajama top. No underpants, pants, socks, shoes, nothing. Just her pj top.

And now the devastating part...she said she was leaving because "you hate me". OH MY GOD!! How could she say those words??? Please pick up a steak knife and gouge out my heart.

Elizabeth informs me she is going to live in a hotel. I ask her if she has enough money. "No problem", she says, "I have my Leapfrog bank in my suitcase". No wonder she was dragging the suitcase. I tell her I love her and convince her to stay. Good, I have her for one more day...but somehow I don't think I've seen the last of the Barbie suitcase.

So, I sit here yet again asking myself, "what am I doing wrong?".

Ok, forget about what I said about those "stupid" Super Bowl squares!! I won I won I won!! Granted, only $100, but still every little bit helps Mommy. Gee, where should I spend it? Food Lion or Giant?? Good bye ground chuck, hello lean ground beef!! Ah, the life of the homemaker.

So, there we were enjoying our neighbors' Super Bowl party...when suddenly our daughter starts spitting, gasping, coughing, etc. She sounded like a cat trying to get out a hair ball. Under normal circumstances, I would have told her to pipe down and choke in another room, but our daughter has severe food allergies...so her actions put us on high alert (if you don't act quickly and give her an Epipen, it can be fatal). This all happened at the end of the 2nd quarter, so basically our family was the Halftime Entertainment. We quickly double checked all the food she had eaten and were fairly confident she had not eaten any offending food. Luckily we have wonderful neighbors who are very supportive and are very cautious with food around our daughter. Long story short...no Epipen was needed and my daughter is fine. However, we thought it best if we had a family Super Bowl slumber party to monitor her throughout the night. Yeah, well...I would have gotten more sleep on top of a pointed rock. I'm dead tired.

Happy Friday and a special TGIF to my friend Sam in Richmond!! FYI Sam is one of those people who LOVES to use abbreviations.

I live for my Friday nights...I can order Dominoes and sip appletinis and not feel guilty because its Friday...kids in bed by 8:00 and a nice Matthew McConoughy movie on by 8:15. Check him out as the new Stetson Man! I have that Stetson advertisement hanging on my fridge, right between my my daughter's art work and the magnet for poison control. My husband thinks I am rude to flaunt my crushes on the fridge and asks me how I would like it if he put bikini clad women on the fridge. Hey, whatever gets you through the day, babycakes.

Go Eagles. Good luck to everyone who goes to a Super Bowl party and fills in those stupid squares...

If one has children, should one consume more than 3 appletinis in a night? What about a nice swig of Benadryl (my friend and I refer to this as a "benny cocktail") or a Tylenol PM at the end of a long day in the burbs?? Should a lady be cut off at a Pampered Chef party if she is getting plastered and rips up her order form? (Should she at least put forth the effort to buy the corn holders?). I think I'm turning into my mother.