Thursday, May 26, 2005

 

Irene

Let me just say this with regards to the comment section...some of you need not be so critical. I often sense tension between my readers and Suburban Warrior does not want that. Are you fighting for my attention? Or are you just angry people in general? Please refrain from using my blog to work out your own internal conflicts/demons...

Now, I really don't like to single people out, but I must...IRENE. Irene seems to have a running dialog with herself in my comment section. Um, Irene you need put down your dictionary and get a life. And for those of you who don't know what a geriatric personality Irene possesses, let me share this ditty. Irene called me from the Arts and Crafts store the other day to see if I had any recommendations for a gift for Elizabeth's upcoming birthday (FYI: arts and crafts gifts are a nightmare for most mothers). Irene explained that she was at the Arts and Crafts store because she had recently finished a challenging jigsaw puzzle and wanted TO PRESERVE IT!!! She was on the hunt for a special type of glue that would hold the puzzle together for her so she could FRAME IT AND HANG IT IN HER FAMILY ROOM. "You're kidding me, right?" I said. She dorkily replied, "No, I heard about puzzle preservation glue on the American Jigsaw Puzzle Society webpage". Ok, just going to that webpage is actually worse than trying to preserve a damn puzzle.

I don't think I can be friends with Irene anymore...

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

 

Look Out Star Search!!

Elizabeth's preschool class, The Mighty Bees, are having their annual Talent Show today. Unfortunately, they don't allow the parents to attend the show, as it causes stage fright for the children. Psshaw...Elizabeth could be the opening act for the Stones and not break a sweat...

So, Elizabeth had to decide what her "talent" was going to be. This was going to be difficult, as according to Lil Miss Egomaniac, she is very talented. She actually wanted to ride a unicycle. I don't think Elizabeth has ever even SEEN a unicycle (I think her father has been talkin trash again!). "What about juggling?", she asked. Yeah, ok..."Honey, I think you have to master catching ONE BALL before you move on to juggling", I explained. Sword swallowing? Nah. Riding a bear? No, that won't work, we don't own a bear...What then?

Well, after exhausting many of her so-called "talents", we decided Elizabeth could take her microphone to school and grace the others with her vocal chords. This was ok, except for the fact that my daughter does not have the average five year old's taste in music. While most girls her age enjoy a good Disney hit, Raffi, etc., Elizabeth rocks out to the soundtracks from The Phantom of the Opera, Saturday Night Fever and, get this, the TV theme songs from the 50's and 60's most popular sitcoms (I bet none of your children do a dance and pretend to fall over an ottoman while playing the theme from the Dick Van Dyke show!!).

Anyhoo...off my lil star went to school...carrying her microphone and Moulin Rouge soundtrack, ready to belt out "Lady Marmalade" for all her classmates.

I hope she has a friend after today's performance...

Friday, May 20, 2005

 

Guest Poster

So...I've been hurtin for some material for my blog...and along comes this email...I'll share it with you. Please keep in mind Suburban Warrior does not necessarily endorse posts by guest bloggers.


"What's up with hte warrior? You are letting me down. I need my nighly laugh. Are you hurtin' for subject matter? IF so, I htought of you on MOnday...why not write about these women in the gym locker rooms who like have a conversation with their titties hanging out? How am I supposed to carry on a conversation with someone who just got out of hte shower and instead of wrapping hte towel around them after they dry off, they throw it over their arm and then come talk to me. The whole time I am wondering if they EVER considered A) breast implants or at the very least a LIFT, or B) getting at that bush with a razor and a sharp pair of scissors and downsizing a little bit. I find myself intently staring them in the eyes without blinking for fear they may think I am trying to cop a quick peek. OR is that what they want in the first place since htey are prancing around n the buff.
Once i even saw a lady put on her SHOES AND SOCKS before ever putting on her bra. Where's the sense in THAT? Gosh forbid someone see her TOES!"

Thanks SHW!!!



Tuesday, May 17, 2005

 

With a Face Like That...

This made me laugh...

From my good friends at the Onion...Does looking at Gene Shalit on TV remind you it's time for a bikini wax???

Friday, May 13, 2005

 

They're BAAAAACK!!!

Well, the circus has come to town...

That's right, step right up...and see the craziness of Harry John's family!!! The lot of them barrelled down Interstate 95 yesterday from Jersey and arrived safely in their sleek Ford Windstar (I want everyone to know my sister drives a Windstar because she hates minivans and can't believe she drives one...she's too cool. And a Windstar?? That's the trailer trash of minivans. Well, at least it's not a Kia. At least I drive a Grand Caravan. Plus, I'm really pretty so it doesn't really matter what I drive, I still get lots of stares).

Now, let me explain something about Harry John and his family. They are from Jersey...and like a lot of people I know from Jersey...they are LOUD LOUD LOUD!!! I think the kids are secretly wearing mini-amplifiers in their shirts...they simply do not possess the average conversational voice range...everything is stated in a VERY, VERY LOUD WAY!!! I can not emphasize this enough. Now, my daughter is no shrinking violet in the speech category, but this is something entirely out of her league. And the funniest part of these Jersey kids is they begin every sentence with, "hey, guess what?...".

Jersey kid #1: "Hey, Aunt Kelli, guess what?"

ME: "What?"

Jersey kid #1: "Umm, ummm, you know what?"

ME: "No, what?"

Jersey kid #1: "Guess what I want for breakfast?"

ME: "Pancakes?"

Jersey kid #2: "No, I don't want pancakes!!! Guess what I want? Guess..., guess what cereal we eat in New Jersey?"

ME: "Um, Kashi maybe...?"

Jersey kid #1: "Aunt Kelli, guess what? I don't know what Kashi is...Guess what Aunt Kelli?"

And round and round we go!!

Oh, and on top of all THIS noise, we are in the process of having a screen porch added to our house. So, each "Aunt Kelli, guess what?" is followed by a loud round of nail gun fire...

Guess what? I'm going insane.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

 

Choosing Your Words Carefully

First things first, I don't have the energy to comment on Michael Jackson today, but I will...I promise.

Well, it's begun. Elizabeth has commenced asking the tricky questions. Not about sex, yet, but we're heading down that road, sort of...

Today, we were shopping and I quickly threw a box of tampons in the cart. Usually, Elizabeth pays no attention to items not covered in frosting, sugar or chocolate. But today, ole Eagle Eyes spotted those tampons and asked, "what do those taste like?". Oh boy...how do I get out of this? I acted like something delectable caught my eye on the shelf and simply muttered, "it's not food, honey". Do you think she was going to let it go at that? Not a chance. "Well, then what's it for?", she continued. Think, Kelli, think! "It's stuff for Mommy", I replied. "What kind of stuff?", she persevered. Damn it. Do I just put it out there and say, "well, honey, you insert it in your vagina to stop your menstrual flow" and let her mull that over???? I would love to see how Elizabeth would respond to that...but no...I think not...I better wait until at least her sixth birthday...As with most things with Elizabeth, if you're quiet long enough, Elizabeth will answer her own questions...and thankfully, she didn't fail me now!!! Elizabeth answered her own tampon question with the following, "Oh, I know what those are...those are those straws you keep in your bathroom cabinet".

Exactly.

Monday, May 09, 2005

 

King of Pop

Speaking of celebrities...

I have been trying my hardest not to write a post about this, but we all know it is the "elephant in the room"... Michael Jackson.
Discuss...

Friday, May 06, 2005

 

Now That's Irritating

Some celebrities really get on my nerves with their so-called "advice".

I'm in line at my local grocery store and I start to browse the tabloids, magazines, etc. On the front of one magazine is a picture of Mischa Barton (the annoying skeleton from the tv show "The OC"). The headline under Miss Barton reads something along the lines of "How I Have a Flat Stomach". I'll tell you how...YOU'RE ONLY 18 YEARS OLD!!! Getting out of bed in the morning is all the stomach crunch you need to keep your abs in tip top shape. Can you believe the nerve of this girl/woman thinking she's got the "secret" to keeping your abdomen flat?? When you're almost 40 and you've pushed out some kids, then you can brag about your physique, MISCHA. PS. Mischa...I hate your name.

Al Roker is another one that gets in my craw. He was on the front of some Health magazine holding up a plate of fruits and vegetables with the headline blaring "Al Roker's Plan to a Healthier You". Uh, hello Al...YOU HAD ALL THE FAT SUCKED OUT OF YOU AND THEN HAD YOUR FRICKIN STOMACH STAPLED SHUT!!! Because of Al's gastric bypass surgery his stomach is now the size of a nickel, but yet he is qualified to teach ME discipline with regards to eating and how to lose weight??

Ok, one last one...Christie Brinkley!!! She is one who loves to promote her idea of the perfect family. I have seen her in numerous magazines with her beautiful family and her "advice" for maintaining the perfect household. Hmmm...what the articles fail to mention is that her children are sired from three different men!! Miss Wholesome America has been married 4 times!!! But yet she feels she can teach me a thing or two about marriage and family...

Anyhoo...that's irritating.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

 

Dating "Jane" Correction

I need to make a correction with regards to my post about my friend, "Jane", and her dating story.

I had erroneously reported that "Jane" had recently gone on her first date since her marriage broke up and how the date was a nightmare...Well, as "Jane" reminded me, I was mistaken...it was her second date. Aaah, yes, now I remember her first suitor...

In the words of "Jane"..."I knew he was a no-go when he pulled up in his Mini-Cooper, with a Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker on the back, to take me to a friend's wedding!! It got worse...during the reception, Mini-Cooper man jumped for joy and raced onto the dance floor when the band broke into 'Its Raining Men'".

"Jane" is presently working on the second edition of "He's Really Not That into You".

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

 

Talking/Spelling Radar Detector

Elizabeth has cut back on her spelling requests in the car, but now she's on to something more annoying.

Apparently, some fool explained the concept of the speedometer to her...and now Elizabeth has deputized herself to keep the roads safer. She's constantly twisting and straining in her car seat so she can peer over my shoulder and keep tabs on how fast I'm driving.

E: "Mom, I can't see the speedy thing"

M: "Sit back Elizabeth, you don't need to concern yourself with the speedy thing"

E: "Well, the sign says 35 and you're on the number 50"

Oops, I slow down...

M: "You can go a little faster than the number says on the sign, but not too much faster, honey."

E: "hmmm"

E: "MOM, SLOW DOWN!!! YOU'RE ON THE NUMBER 40!!!"

M: "Elizabeth, sit back and stop screaming in my ear! Mommy is following the law."

E: "I don't think so. I am telling Dad."

Oh, I can't wait until she drives with her father.

Monday, May 02, 2005

 

Dating

I am so glad I am already married and don't have to do the dating scene. However, if I was still dating, this blog would be much funnier...as I dated some characters (remind me later to tell you about the homosexual cadet from the Naval Academy and the car salesman).

Anyhoo, my good friend (lets call her "Jane") went on her first date since her marriage broke up and she says she has a great story. Basically, the guy was an ass. She promises to send me the details to share with my readers...so hopefully we will be hearing from Jane in the near future. Jane's story got me thinking...(do I sound like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City?). What type of dater would I be now that I am pushing forty years old?? What would I do differently now as opposed to what I did when I was in my twenties, if anything? (Boy, if those guys thought I was a bitch back then...they should see me now! And I don't want any comments from my husband or HARRY JOHN after this post.) After I thought about this scenario for a few minutes, I came to the conclusion that I would probably die alone. Who needs it? Hope I didn't depress Jane...

But wait, then I had a happy thought...I must have done everything right the first time because look what I got...my husband is the best!

You can all go throw up now.

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