Saturday, July 30, 2005
Rehoboth Beach
Enough about Irene and her poor pathetic dots...she is what she is. Adieu...
Anyhoo...I'm at the beach in Delaware with my lovely daughter and the parental units. As usual, when I'm at the beach, it's raining YET AGAIN!!! Are the rain gods trying to tell me something?? Maybe along the lines of "Cover your fat self as you have no business being in a bathing suit".
Being at the beach in bad weather is not fun, especially with a six year old and two senior citizens (although these two age groups are
suprisingly similar! I am catching up on my sleep, as all of them are under their covers by 8:30 every night). My parents want to be involved with my daughter in activities, but they don't seem to grasp the idea that going to the "Club" for drinks is not Elizabeth's idea of fun. However, you've never laughed until you've seen my daughter and mother, after two strong gin and tonics, play Chutes and Ladders. I don't know how many times Elizabeth has to explain to my mother you GO UP THE LADDERS and DOWN THE SLIDES!! Not to mention, for some odd reason, my mother always insists on being the African American girl with dreadlocks...
We head home tomorrow...where I'm sure the sun will be shining!
Anyhoo...I'm at the beach in Delaware with my lovely daughter and the parental units. As usual, when I'm at the beach, it's raining YET AGAIN!!! Are the rain gods trying to tell me something?? Maybe along the lines of "Cover your fat self as you have no business being in a bathing suit".
Being at the beach in bad weather is not fun, especially with a six year old and two senior citizens (although these two age groups are
suprisingly similar! I am catching up on my sleep, as all of them are under their covers by 8:30 every night). My parents want to be involved with my daughter in activities, but they don't seem to grasp the idea that going to the "Club" for drinks is not Elizabeth's idea of fun. However, you've never laughed until you've seen my daughter and mother, after two strong gin and tonics, play Chutes and Ladders. I don't know how many times Elizabeth has to explain to my mother you GO UP THE LADDERS and DOWN THE SLIDES!! Not to mention, for some odd reason, my mother always insists on being the African American girl with dreadlocks...
We head home tomorrow...where I'm sure the sun will be shining!
Monday, July 25, 2005
Irene's Big Decision, Continued...
I forgot the creepiest part of Irene's dilemma...guess who has offered to fund the majority of the money for her breast enhancement surgery??? HER BROTHER!!!! Can you say Flowers in the Attic?!!!!!
Irene's Big Decision
I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, but my computer crashed right after I posted that picture of Anthony. Coincidence?? I think not.
Anyhoo...here's something to think about. I have this friend. Let's call her "Irene". Well, Irene has been contemplating getting breast enhancement surgery for the last few months. Over our last few phone conversations, Irene and I have debated the pros and cons of such surgery (with me usually supplying all the CONS to this procedure, whereby irritating the hell out of Irene's significant other). Now, let's get specific...does Irene truly need boobie help? To be honest, there is no fear of Irene ever getting a job at Hooters, HOWEVER, I have seen worse cases...and when Irene is sporting her Wonder Bra she looks downright...female. But I think I am losing my argument... Irene informed me that she is heading to California in the fall and may go under the knife while she is out west. Hmmm...."California?", I asked, "why are you going to California?". AND THIS WAS HER ANSWER: "Oh, I'm going to walk the 3 day Breast Cancer Walk with my sister-in-law. Oh, yeah, you'll be getting a fundraising letter asking for a donation shortly". I don't believe Irene has ever heard the term "conflict of interests"...
Now...where do YOU think my money is really going???
Anyhoo...here's something to think about. I have this friend. Let's call her "Irene". Well, Irene has been contemplating getting breast enhancement surgery for the last few months. Over our last few phone conversations, Irene and I have debated the pros and cons of such surgery (with me usually supplying all the CONS to this procedure, whereby irritating the hell out of Irene's significant other). Now, let's get specific...does Irene truly need boobie help? To be honest, there is no fear of Irene ever getting a job at Hooters, HOWEVER, I have seen worse cases...and when Irene is sporting her Wonder Bra she looks downright...female. But I think I am losing my argument... Irene informed me that she is heading to California in the fall and may go under the knife while she is out west. Hmmm...."California?", I asked, "why are you going to California?". AND THIS WAS HER ANSWER: "Oh, I'm going to walk the 3 day Breast Cancer Walk with my sister-in-law. Oh, yeah, you'll be getting a fundraising letter asking for a donation shortly". I don't believe Irene has ever heard the term "conflict of interests"...
Now...where do YOU think my money is really going???
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Anthony!
Readers of Suburban Warrior have been requesting pictures of Harry John for sometime now. To protect my sister (not to mention YOUR corneas), I have refrained from doing so.
HOWEVER, I have no inclination to do the same for Harry John's sidekick and perpetual thorn in my side, Anthony. Ladies eat your hearts out...
Who says sailing isn't hard work??
HOWEVER, I have no inclination to do the same for Harry John's sidekick and perpetual thorn in my side, Anthony. Ladies eat your hearts out...
Who says sailing isn't hard work??
Monday, July 18, 2005
My "DOGS" Are Barkin!!!
We've returned from the beach! So why do I feel like I need some Rest and Relaxation? I'll tell you why...
We came back a day early to attend my friend's wedding. Big party, crazy dancing, gin and tonics, and the return of THE WEDGE SHOE!! Yes, the wedge shoe is back in fashion and being ever fashion conscious, NOT, Suburban Warrior donned a pair for the wedding. When I put them on, my husband looked at my feet, gazed into my eyes and said, "That's a disaster waiting to happen". Whatever. With my wedgies in place, my hair done, my makeup applied, I slipped my tan body into my fuchsia dress. In the words of my hero, Paris Hilton, "I looked hot". But then, I thought..."I AM hot".
Anyhoo, off to the church we went. Right off, I knew there was going to be a problem with these shoes. The temperature was an easy 99 degrees. As feminine as I am, sometimes I do perspire, not sweat (this opposed to my friend, "Jane", who informed us halfway through the service that she had forgotten to put deodorant on and would we mind sticking our noses into her pits to see if we could smell anything unbecoming). Well, my feet were as wet as they are when I exit the pool...so I was slippin and sliddin all over the damn place...and that was before the drinking and the dancing (I thought about putting some Kotex Light Days in my wedgies to absorb some of the wetness, but being open-toed shoes that might be a tad tacky). But I kept my composure and made it through the service without falling. Off to the reception...
Well, a few gin and tonics later I was much cooler...at least I felt much cooler. And my feet? "Oh, do I have feet?"...I was gliding across the dance floor as the DJ played my favorite Bee Gees tunes...like a swan on a peaceful lake... in my own mind...but then...CRASH!!!! Screams of "LOOKOUT!...DUCK!!!!" And then whispers of "are you okay???...Oops, who put that silly piece of furniture there?? I've been in this house millions of times and I have NEVER seen that thing there...in my wedgies I seemed to misstep and knocked into one of those column/pedestal type things...unfortunately it had a rather large flower arrangement on top of it. My husband shook his head back and forth, in defeat, and quietly slipped back to the bar...my sorority sisters tried their best to reposition the five foot column as the bride's aunt picked up the shredded pedals on the floor. Well, NOW it's a PAR-TAY!!! Yeah, not so much...I scurried over to the farthest corner I could find and removed my beloved wedgies..."Damn you", I said..."DAMN YOU to HELL!!!...I owned this night until YOU ruined it!!". My wedgies and I remained in the corner, eating the wedding cake, until it was time to leave.
The next morning I woke up with pains shooting down my calves...more leftover fun from the wedgies (FYI: stay at home mothers who usually wear flip flops everyday have NO BUSINESS wearing wedge shoes!!). My messed up calves go nicely with the bottoms of my feet which are covered in blisters...leftovers from hot sand in Emerald Isle...
My new wheelchair should be arriving sometime this week. I'll just rest my feet until then...
We came back a day early to attend my friend's wedding. Big party, crazy dancing, gin and tonics, and the return of THE WEDGE SHOE!! Yes, the wedge shoe is back in fashion and being ever fashion conscious, NOT, Suburban Warrior donned a pair for the wedding. When I put them on, my husband looked at my feet, gazed into my eyes and said, "That's a disaster waiting to happen". Whatever. With my wedgies in place, my hair done, my makeup applied, I slipped my tan body into my fuchsia dress. In the words of my hero, Paris Hilton, "I looked hot". But then, I thought..."I AM hot".
Anyhoo, off to the church we went. Right off, I knew there was going to be a problem with these shoes. The temperature was an easy 99 degrees. As feminine as I am, sometimes I do perspire, not sweat (this opposed to my friend, "Jane", who informed us halfway through the service that she had forgotten to put deodorant on and would we mind sticking our noses into her pits to see if we could smell anything unbecoming). Well, my feet were as wet as they are when I exit the pool...so I was slippin and sliddin all over the damn place...and that was before the drinking and the dancing (I thought about putting some Kotex Light Days in my wedgies to absorb some of the wetness, but being open-toed shoes that might be a tad tacky). But I kept my composure and made it through the service without falling. Off to the reception...
Well, a few gin and tonics later I was much cooler...at least I felt much cooler. And my feet? "Oh, do I have feet?"...I was gliding across the dance floor as the DJ played my favorite Bee Gees tunes...like a swan on a peaceful lake... in my own mind...but then...CRASH!!!! Screams of "LOOKOUT!...DUCK!!!!" And then whispers of "are you okay???...Oops, who put that silly piece of furniture there?? I've been in this house millions of times and I have NEVER seen that thing there...in my wedgies I seemed to misstep and knocked into one of those column/pedestal type things...unfortunately it had a rather large flower arrangement on top of it. My husband shook his head back and forth, in defeat, and quietly slipped back to the bar...my sorority sisters tried their best to reposition the five foot column as the bride's aunt picked up the shredded pedals on the floor. Well, NOW it's a PAR-TAY!!! Yeah, not so much...I scurried over to the farthest corner I could find and removed my beloved wedgies..."Damn you", I said..."DAMN YOU to HELL!!!...I owned this night until YOU ruined it!!". My wedgies and I remained in the corner, eating the wedding cake, until it was time to leave.
The next morning I woke up with pains shooting down my calves...more leftover fun from the wedgies (FYI: stay at home mothers who usually wear flip flops everyday have NO BUSINESS wearing wedge shoes!!). My messed up calves go nicely with the bottoms of my feet which are covered in blisters...leftovers from hot sand in Emerald Isle...
My new wheelchair should be arriving sometime this week. I'll just rest my feet until then...
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Dennis the Menace!
I always hated the name "Dennis".
When I was a kid, I did not enjoy the TV program "Dennis the Menace" like the other children. Even though Dennis supposedly represented my peer group and I was to feel some type of kinship with him, I wanted to slap him silly. Granted, Dennis was physically attractive, but the minute he opened his mouth and his high pitched voice screeched his signature "Heeeeyy Mr. Wilson..." he lost me. I much preferred the grumpy Mr. Wilson to faggy Dennis (come to think of it, as I get older, I find this Mr. Wilson , NOT this Mr. Wilson, somewhat attractive...you know...in a "come hither and let me spank you" kind of way...). If that kid was my neighbor...oye!!
Anyhoo, thirty years later, another Dennis is annoying me. We are on our third day of rain in North Carolina, thanks to the remnants of Hurricane Dennis. Not fun when you are vacationing with fifteen, yes, let me repeat that...FIFTEEN children!! All under the age of ten! (Here's a mathmatical equation for you: vacation + children=oxymoron) Where did we put the vodka?? Oh yeah, down our throats.
We leave tomorrow...paler than when we arrived (yes, I shaved my big toes for nothing!). The forecast calls for Dennis to continue to swirl around Emerald Isle for the next few days...then the arrival of Hurricane Emily!
I can only hope one of these powerful storms scoops up Jay North in it's path of destruction.
When I was a kid, I did not enjoy the TV program "Dennis the Menace" like the other children. Even though Dennis supposedly represented my peer group and I was to feel some type of kinship with him, I wanted to slap him silly. Granted, Dennis was physically attractive, but the minute he opened his mouth and his high pitched voice screeched his signature "Heeeeyy Mr. Wilson..." he lost me. I much preferred the grumpy Mr. Wilson to faggy Dennis (come to think of it, as I get older, I find this Mr. Wilson , NOT this Mr. Wilson, somewhat attractive...you know...in a "come hither and let me spank you" kind of way...). If that kid was my neighbor...oye!!
Anyhoo, thirty years later, another Dennis is annoying me. We are on our third day of rain in North Carolina, thanks to the remnants of Hurricane Dennis. Not fun when you are vacationing with fifteen, yes, let me repeat that...FIFTEEN children!! All under the age of ten! (Here's a mathmatical equation for you: vacation + children=oxymoron) Where did we put the vodka?? Oh yeah, down our throats.
We leave tomorrow...paler than when we arrived (yes, I shaved my big toes for nothing!). The forecast calls for Dennis to continue to swirl around Emerald Isle for the next few days...then the arrival of Hurricane Emily!
I can only hope one of these powerful storms scoops up Jay North in it's path of destruction.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Bon Voyage!!
Tomorrow we head into the path of Hurricane Dennis!! Can't wait!
Car is gassed, bags are packed, body is hairless, fifty tons of snacks are bagged, DVD player is charged...WE ARE READY!!! Super!
Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something...
Oh yeah...I forgot to drop that twenty pounds of fat on my backside...Damn it!!!
Car is gassed, bags are packed, body is hairless, fifty tons of snacks are bagged, DVD player is charged...WE ARE READY!!! Super!
Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something...
Oh yeah...I forgot to drop that twenty pounds of fat on my backside...Damn it!!!
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Beach Preparation
We're gearing up for our annual beach trip to Emerald Isle, NC!!
Do you ever notice how much preparation goes into getting ready for a beach trip? And I'm not talking about organizing your children's crap or the laundry or hunting for your husband's bathing suit...I'm referring to all the little shit pertaining to MY body alone. As far as I'm concerned, everyone else can fend for themselves. Preparing myself for the beach becomes my full time job the week prior to our departure.
Things you may let slide at home suddenly become very important leading up to a beach vacation. For instance, the hair growing on your big toe. That needs to go. The big callous on your heel...lop it off before you hit the sand. Overall body hair removal is another essential! One should not be mistaken for Big Foot on the beach. Timing/time management is necessary if this is to be done correctly. For the longest lasting effects of the razor, one must wait until right before one gets in the car to leave for the beach to shave ALL hair from the body. If not, you will spend a significant amount of time in the car, in the sunlight, complaining to your husband about how hairy your legs are. And you know what? He won't care. Exfoliate? I know women should exfoliate on a regular basis for healthy looking skin, but to be honest, the only time I exfoliate is right before I slather on some type of fake tan cream (which always turns into a complete disaster anyway). And don't forget the obvious...pedicure, manicure, bikini, eyebrow and lip wax!!
So, tonight you can find me, locked in the bathroom, with Nair on my upper lip, between my legs, on my legs, on my toes...basically everywhere but my eyes...
Do you ever notice how much preparation goes into getting ready for a beach trip? And I'm not talking about organizing your children's crap or the laundry or hunting for your husband's bathing suit...I'm referring to all the little shit pertaining to MY body alone. As far as I'm concerned, everyone else can fend for themselves. Preparing myself for the beach becomes my full time job the week prior to our departure.
Things you may let slide at home suddenly become very important leading up to a beach vacation. For instance, the hair growing on your big toe. That needs to go. The big callous on your heel...lop it off before you hit the sand. Overall body hair removal is another essential! One should not be mistaken for Big Foot on the beach. Timing/time management is necessary if this is to be done correctly. For the longest lasting effects of the razor, one must wait until right before one gets in the car to leave for the beach to shave ALL hair from the body. If not, you will spend a significant amount of time in the car, in the sunlight, complaining to your husband about how hairy your legs are. And you know what? He won't care. Exfoliate? I know women should exfoliate on a regular basis for healthy looking skin, but to be honest, the only time I exfoliate is right before I slather on some type of fake tan cream (which always turns into a complete disaster anyway). And don't forget the obvious...pedicure, manicure, bikini, eyebrow and lip wax!!
So, tonight you can find me, locked in the bathroom, with Nair on my upper lip, between my legs, on my legs, on my toes...basically everywhere but my eyes...
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Captain Harry John
My sister, Aunt Meggy, almost became a widow over the holiday weekend.
Harry John and some of his NJ butt head friends came up with yet another brilliant scheme for fun. It seems some random man wanted to get an old sailboat off his property and offered it to Harry John for free if Harry John would simply lug it away. (Yes, I know...to a normal functioning individual, RED FLAG! RED FLAG!! But these are NJ people and specifically, Harry John and cohorts...). So, Harry John spends $600 to purchase a new boat trailer to haul off his new yacht, "Wind Song". Who knows if Harry John can even swim...I mean, I know he doesn't bathe...
Anyhoo, the boat is transported to a marina...yeah, in your dreams!! No, "Wind Song" is parked in Aunt Meggy's driveway! (I can't help but think of their neighbors. In addition to living next to the LOUD FAMILY, the neighbors now have to look at this eyesore) I asked my sister how pathetic the boat really is and her response was, "well, I think it's cute how Harry refers to it as a boat". 'Nuff said. Harry John patches, paints, and basically screws around on "Wind Song" all week with his friend, Anthony (who, by the way, is a blog/blob in himself). They even painted racing stripes on this boat...I think they're under the impression they own a cigarette boat, not a piece of crappola. They debate all week over what they're going to rename the boat. I'm not going to get into some of the mentioned names, as this is a wholesome site, but let's just say Harry John's wife's privates are not very well respected by him.
So, this past weekend the "Yacht-Z" was ready to sail. Both Harry John and Anthony donned their new Sperry Topsider shoes (I'm not kidding) and headed to the boat launch. Anthony's father joined them along with Harry John's brother (they were obviously lacking in anything better to do with their time). The fools shove off, waving to all on shore.
Ten minutes into it's maiden voyage the "Yacht-Z" begins to take on water. The idiotic crew can't jump in the water because they are surrounded by jellyfish. We know this because they are screaming "JELLY FISH!! JELLY FISH!!!" like little girls from the "Yacht-Z" (Plus, they don't want to get their new Topsider shoes wet ...they had yet to waterproof them!). Mayday Mayday!!!!...Another vessel comes to the aid of the quickly sinking "Yacht-Z" and pulls her back to shore. The men are safe, but the "Yacht-Z" has issues.
What happened to cause this near disaster on the high seas? Well...apparently, Harry John (and we all just knew it had to be caused by his lack of brainpower) FORGOT TO PUT THE PLUGS BACK IN THE BOAT after he had finished painting the boat!!!!!
Gilligan's got nothin on my Harry John!!
Harry John and some of his NJ butt head friends came up with yet another brilliant scheme for fun. It seems some random man wanted to get an old sailboat off his property and offered it to Harry John for free if Harry John would simply lug it away. (Yes, I know...to a normal functioning individual, RED FLAG! RED FLAG!! But these are NJ people and specifically, Harry John and cohorts...). So, Harry John spends $600 to purchase a new boat trailer to haul off his new yacht, "Wind Song". Who knows if Harry John can even swim...I mean, I know he doesn't bathe...
Anyhoo, the boat is transported to a marina...yeah, in your dreams!! No, "Wind Song" is parked in Aunt Meggy's driveway! (I can't help but think of their neighbors. In addition to living next to the LOUD FAMILY, the neighbors now have to look at this eyesore) I asked my sister how pathetic the boat really is and her response was, "well, I think it's cute how Harry refers to it as a boat". 'Nuff said. Harry John patches, paints, and basically screws around on "Wind Song" all week with his friend, Anthony (who, by the way, is a blog/blob in himself). They even painted racing stripes on this boat...I think they're under the impression they own a cigarette boat, not a piece of crappola. They debate all week over what they're going to rename the boat. I'm not going to get into some of the mentioned names, as this is a wholesome site, but let's just say Harry John's wife's privates are not very well respected by him.
So, this past weekend the "Yacht-Z" was ready to sail. Both Harry John and Anthony donned their new Sperry Topsider shoes (I'm not kidding) and headed to the boat launch. Anthony's father joined them along with Harry John's brother (they were obviously lacking in anything better to do with their time). The fools shove off, waving to all on shore.
Ten minutes into it's maiden voyage the "Yacht-Z" begins to take on water. The idiotic crew can't jump in the water because they are surrounded by jellyfish. We know this because they are screaming "JELLY FISH!! JELLY FISH!!!" like little girls from the "Yacht-Z" (Plus, they don't want to get their new Topsider shoes wet ...they had yet to waterproof them!). Mayday Mayday!!!!...Another vessel comes to the aid of the quickly sinking "Yacht-Z" and pulls her back to shore. The men are safe, but the "Yacht-Z" has issues.
What happened to cause this near disaster on the high seas? Well...apparently, Harry John (and we all just knew it had to be caused by his lack of brainpower) FORGOT TO PUT THE PLUGS BACK IN THE BOAT after he had finished painting the boat!!!!!
Gilligan's got nothin on my Harry John!!
