Suburban Warrior

The Rolling Stones performed in our town recently. Now, I enjoy the Stones' MUSIC, but as for the geriatrics that make up the band...uh, not so much.

First off, Mick Jagger. Mick Jagger...sexy? He's vile...his sixty year old body slithering around in spandex?!! His face looks like an old raisin to me. Could someone explain what is attractive about this man? If you find Mick cute, did you also have a thing for Hume Cronyn? And his age has nothing to do with it...he was just as repulsive when he was in his twenties. Granted, I'll give him credit for being able to move like that at his age. I mean, he's basically the same age as my mother...and she recently gave up taking baths because "it's just too hard getting in and out of the bathtub...".

Keith Richards. He kills me. He looks like he's been run over by a bus at least ten times. And have you ever really looked at his hands (photo above)?!? How this man can boil water nevertheless strum a guitar with those fingers is beyond me. My ninety year old grandmother's hands looked better than that...and she was forced to move into an assisted living facility because she couldn't open doors anymore.

The other two band members? Whatever...(Although the guy on the left reminds me of someone's creepy uncle...someone I would be sure to keep at a distance from my children).

But the Stones keep on makin music and entertaining us. AARP should be proud!

This is really directed towards some readers who use my comment section.

Please stop assuming I leave comments under different names in my comment section...I DO NOT AND NEVER HAVE DONE THIS!. Why would I do that? If I have anything to say, I'll say it in MY POST section.

If you have nothing to say, don't, but stop leaving comments commenting on supposed Suburban Warrior comments AS THEY ARE NOT MINE!! Plus, that simply shows a lack of originality on your part. If you don't enjoy my blog...well...beat it!! Who needs ya?!!!! If you're so clever, go start your own blog!

Thank you.

It was a dark, dreary day...

The sun hadn't been out in days, the rain was coming down sideways and I hadn't seen another person outside in days...the electricity would come and go...come and go...and with each flicker of the lights, I would catch my breath. As the day continued on, the wind picked up and began to howl and the sky became darker and darker AND darker. SUDDENLY, I heard a noise...a noise I had feared, but a noise I knew I could not escape!!! I gathered my strength and courage and went to deal with the horror of what I knew lurked behind the door...

I could hear the creatures before I saw them...Then ever so slowly, the creaking metal door opened...and out fell the bodies one by one...

"Hey, Aunt Kelli, guess what?"

"Guess how many days we're staying, Aunt Kelli...Guess?!?!"

"Guess what my new doll's name is, Aunt Kelli, GUESS GUESS GUESS?!?!"

OH MY GOD...THEY'RE BAAAAACK...!!!! Aunt Meggy and the Loud Family arrived via their WINDSTAR minivan...

Stay tuned...

Wow, it seems so many Hollywood stars are doing the baby 'thang!

First, congrats to that very classy (and well dressed!) couple Brittany and Kevin Federline on the birth of their son, Preston!! I wonder if Kevin will stick around to raise this third child of his? I haven't seen a picture of Brittany since the birth, but she was looking pretty hefty leading up to the birth. No wonder...every picture I saw of her she was chowing down on Cheetos or exiting a Starbucks with some whipped cream topped frappe (VENTE size!). Well, she's young...and apparently she enjoyed herself being pregnant...but...word from the wise, Brittany: YOU BETTER GET DANCIN!!

The news of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (TOMKAT) really disturbs me. That's basically because Tom Cruise really disturbs me. That's because I truly believe Tom Cruise is disturbed. I admit it, in the eighties and nineties I was a Tom Cruise fan (I mean who can deny all the male beauty in Top Gun? I totally agreed with the Iceman...Tom Cruise, Maverick, could be MY WINGMAN ANYTIME! Meow!). But as I matured, not to mention got taller, I realized Tom Cruise was not all that...he's got little man syndrome and tries to overcome this by acting like Mr. Thrill Seeker who Grabs Life By The Balls. Yeah, not so much, Tom. I'm not going to even touch his weird Scientology beliefs...I just hope Katie can snap out of the voodoo curse he apparently has on her. Hopefully, she can accomplish this before she goes into labor...as I've read that true Scientologists frown upon using any drugs during delivery. Additionally, Scientologists prefer no talking/screaming, etc. during labor or for the first week of the newborn's life. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALL ABOUT??? I truly hate to wish bad things on people...but let's all be honest...I bet there are more than a few people out there hoping Katie and Tom's baby decides to come out sideways, is a horrible breastfeeder who continually bites sweet Katie's lil nipples until they bleed and crack (remember Katie, no crying or talking!), has colic (hmmm....are Scientology babies allowed to cry??), refuses to sleep more than one hour at a time AND gets the worst case of baby acne ever documented!!! But I'm sure one of Tom's little vitamins will clear all that up!

I'll be keeping these babies and Katie in my prayers.

I would like to take this opportunity to publicly thank my husband for putting up with me for the last few weeks. In a nutshell, I have basically been a big, hungry, blob who sits on the couch waiting for my next meal. My main activity for the day is breathing. As for the condition of my house...well, let's just say some houses that were in the direct path of Katrina are in better shape than my house at this point...and yet, my husband NEVER complains. Then again, he created this mess.

Anyhoo, my husband and I have been debating whether to find out the sex of our little gift from God. Husband says no, I say maybe...but only with his blessing. Although, I have this very strong maternal feeling the baby is a girl...so the test may not even be necessary....as we all know Surbuban Warrior is always right. There is also the old wive's tale about how a baby girl sucks the beauty out of her mother...hmmm....luckily I've been blessed with more beauty than the average woman. However, I must admit, I have looked better.

That reminds me of Aunt Meggy when she was pregnant. Pregnant Aunt Meggy was sitting around, fat as a house, with some friends and ANTHONY and she shared the tale about how a girl baby takes the beauty out of her pregnant mother. Anthony heard this, took a long look at Aunt Meggy and said, "then you are most definitely carrying TWIN GIRLS!!". God love Anthony's wife.

Well, it's time for me to eat again...