Suburban Warrior

Well, my long journey of pregnancy is about to come to an end (induction planned for March 31). I think I've handled myself with grace and dignity throughout this ordeal...and I am glowing!! For the most part, my body has held up fine, but like Irene I need some work done on my face. I still don't know if I'm birthing a boy or a girl, but if the old saying holds true that "a girl takes the beauty out of her mother" than we know I'm having a BOY!! I'll be back...

until the following conversation with my husband

ME: "Hey, I went to the obgyn today and I didn't gain one pound in the last week!!!" (FYI: at my last appointment I had gained SIX pounds in a week...not pretty).

HUSBAND: "Well...you certainly didn't LOSE any weight either..."

This is the thanks I get for carrying his child. Sheesh.

Not only has this pregnancy taken a physical toll on me, but apparently a mental toll as well. After viewing every single "Lifetime" and "Oxygen" television movie ever made while on bedrest, I eventually turned to E! for boredom relief. Do you know what I actually watched the other day---three times?!?!?! The E! THS (for you novices, this stands for E!'s True Hollywood Story) of Herve Villachaize. Who? Yes, Herve Villachaize. I will refresh your memories with a picture of my little dwarf friend (see above)...

Why would I watch this? Well, for one...I couldn't stand the sight of Meredith Baxter, Patty Duke Astin or Melissa Gilbert on Lifetime or Oxygen for one more second!! Plus, as the E! show progressed it was like a car wreck...I had to watch to see what would happen to poor Herve. Apparently, Herve was a very disturbed and angry lil fella. Not only did he abuse drugs and alchohol, but people as well!! (Who exactly would take abuse from a 3 foot midget is a whole other post). Additionally, E! reported that Herve suffered from some physical problems as well...Ummmm....DUH!!! It got so bad that for years lil Tattoo wouldn't leave his bed. Herve never recovered the fame he acquired playing Tattoo on Fantasy Island and this led to deep depression (it has been reported that Herve left Fantasy Island because, according to him, "he wasn't being treated like the others on the show..." Again, I say, "DUH!!". Look in the mirror, HERVE... you are NOT like the others!!). His life ended when he shot himself in the chest while on his patio.

This story obviously had an impact on me...as I dreamt I gave birth to Herve last night.

Cool your jets, I'm back...for the moment. I'll probably be disappearing again shortly, as the demon seed is expected in the next few weeks.

Anyhoo...my mother has done it, AGAIN!! The usual: unsolicited advice. The incredible thing about my mother is that she is so worldly and all knowing, yet never seems to leave her wing chair!!! Amazing! She is an authority on a multitude of subjects, especially ones concerning morality/religion. And this knowledge just floats into her head as she sits in her chair, looking out the window, waiting for me to arrive to learn what is best for all mankind. The other day's conversation is just a sampling:

MOTHER: "I've been thinking..."

RED FLAG! RED FLAG! RED FLAG...RETREAT! RETREAT! RETREAT! RETREAT!!!

ME: gulp, here we go...

MOTHER: "You're not going to make Paul sleep at the hospital again after you deliver the baby?"

ME: "Whaddya mean?"

MOTHER: "Well, after you had Elizabeth, you made the poor man sleep at the hospital with you...in a pull out chair and he was so tired...I mean that was a bit dramatic on your part, don't you think?"

ME: "Oh, HE was tired?? Did HE just push out another human being out of HIS vagina? I do believe I was a bit tuckered out myself, MOTHER!!"

MOTHER: "Well...I'm just saying...your father NEVER would have stayed with me after our babies were born".

ME: "Um, Mom, you were in something called "twilight sleep" with all your deliveries. Your doctor gave you an injection and 'POOF' you were asleep...You simply woke up and a pretty nurse in a crisp white uniform and cap reported you had had 'another healthy daughter'. The baby stayed in the nursery, where the pretty nurse rocked and BOTTLE FED your new baby while you rested for a FULL WEEK in your hospital bed!!! During this time you also received a shot so all the milk in your mammary glands would dry up...thereby allowing you to miss out on that lovely feeling of your breasts turning into hot, hard, bowling balls."

MOTHER: "Oh, you're so crass. I would never talk that way to my mother..."

And on it goes...