Suburban Warrior

Cool your jets, I'm back...for the moment. I'll probably be disappearing again shortly, as the demon seed is expected in the next few weeks.

Anyhoo...my mother has done it, AGAIN!! The usual: unsolicited advice. The incredible thing about my mother is that she is so worldly and all knowing, yet never seems to leave her wing chair!!! Amazing! She is an authority on a multitude of subjects, especially ones concerning morality/religion. And this knowledge just floats into her head as she sits in her chair, looking out the window, waiting for me to arrive to learn what is best for all mankind. The other day's conversation is just a sampling:

MOTHER: "I've been thinking..."

RED FLAG! RED FLAG! RED FLAG...RETREAT! RETREAT! RETREAT! RETREAT!!!

ME: gulp, here we go...

MOTHER: "You're not going to make Paul sleep at the hospital again after you deliver the baby?"

ME: "Whaddya mean?"

MOTHER: "Well, after you had Elizabeth, you made the poor man sleep at the hospital with you...in a pull out chair and he was so tired...I mean that was a bit dramatic on your part, don't you think?"

ME: "Oh, HE was tired?? Did HE just push out another human being out of HIS vagina? I do believe I was a bit tuckered out myself, MOTHER!!"

MOTHER: "Well...I'm just saying...your father NEVER would have stayed with me after our babies were born".

ME: "Um, Mom, you were in something called "twilight sleep" with all your deliveries. Your doctor gave you an injection and 'POOF' you were asleep...You simply woke up and a pretty nurse in a crisp white uniform and cap reported you had had 'another healthy daughter'. The baby stayed in the nursery, where the pretty nurse rocked and BOTTLE FED your new baby while you rested for a FULL WEEK in your hospital bed!!! During this time you also received a shot so all the milk in your mammary glands would dry up...thereby allowing you to miss out on that lovely feeling of your breasts turning into hot, hard, bowling balls."

MOTHER: "Oh, you're so crass. I would never talk that way to my mother..."

And on it goes...