Friday, April 13, 2007
The problem with Elizabeth's class seven years ago was the mothers in the class. How could I put this delicately...they were idiots. First time moms tend to be that way. Hey, I admit I was a bit over the top at times, but nothing compared to some women. I remember one particular part of the class involved "discussion time". We sat in a big circle (after singing the required "Wheels on the Bus, "Where is Thumper?", and "If You're Happy and You Know It") and shared our thoughts/questions on parenting...That was the first problem. I don't like to share. And I really don't like sharing with complete strangers (why do I blog?). It was bad enough I had to enthusiastically bounce my child on my knees and pretend to enjoy acting out some ridiculous song about soldiers marching up a hill and back down every frickin class...but the discussion part just about sent me over the edge...the assinine questions these women asked amazed me!
MOMMY #1: "Um, yes, how do I wean my son?" (Call me Dr. Brazelton, but I do believe TAKING HIM OFF YOUR BREAST IS A GOOD PLACE TO START! duh).
MOMMY GENIUS #2: "My baby kicks his feet constantly, is that ok?". (NO!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP HIM!! His legs could fall off!!). Come to think of it, I remember Aunt Meggy calling me with this same question with regards to her first born...
MOMMY EINSTEIN #3: "How many times a day should I be changing Connor's diaper?" (FYI: Every child born between 1998-2000 was named either Connor or Meghan).
To top it off, one mom in our group had really funky eyes...both of her eyes were cross eyed. It was very annoying if she was sitting near me...I could never tell if she was addressing me or someone on the other side of the circle.
Anyhoo, Eileen and I went to our first class on Friday morning. We did all the aformentioned activities. To my great surprise I enjoyed every minute of it. I guess in my old age I'm getting soft. Or I've learned to appreciate what a great gift a child truly is...
Get me a tissue...
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Anyhoo, I went to see my new niece, Grace Ann, in NJ (and the rest of the LOUD FAMILY). Besides some weird growth on her forehead, she's a beaut. The whole time we were there the child never made a peep. Damn it.
However, I do believe all the hormone changes going on in Aunt Meggy's body are taking a mental toll. The following is a true conversation I had with Aunt Meggy:
ME: "You know, Elizabeth is really into the story of Anne Frank these days."
AM: "Oh, that's nice..."
ME: "You do know who Anne Frank is, don't you?"
AM: "Uh, duh...she's the one who taught Helen Keller!"
ME: "Um, no...that would be Annie Sullivan."
I really hope my dad doesn't read this.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Anyhoo, I'm not too pleased with the name of the child. Aunt Meggy wanted to name her "Kelli" after the Warrior, but Harry John refused because, in his words, "I have a bad association with that name" (as if anyone with the name Harry John should be picky on names...). To be perfectly honest, I really truly thought he was kidding...I thought when the baby finally came (and it was a girl) they would call me and coyly say, "We were joking!!! We were always going to call her Kelli, but we wanted to surprise her namesake!! We can't wait until you meet lil Kelli Ann!!!" But they didn't say that. They called her Grace Ann. Whatever. I've never known anyone cool named Grace, have you?? I told my sister everyone must really like that name because there are at least four Graces in Elizabeth's class alone.
I bet Grace Ann suffers from colic...what a shame that would be!!!
Thursday, February 01, 2007
STAND BACK...SHE'S GONNA BLOW!!!!
Hopefully, this will be the last of Harry John's spawn!
Friday, January 26, 2007
Does Anyone Have Any Bread?
We got our first snowfall earlier in the week and the kids were all thrilled to get out there and have "snow fun". Whatever. Snow fun is just a big pain in my ass...with the layers of clothes, the mittens, the snowpants, the wail of "I'm cold" and the hats causing static hair. Of course, Elizabeth was chomping at the bit to get out there. Only one problem...we had no boots or snowpants for her. I explained that I would go to Target in the morning and she could play outside tomorrow. Well, after having her nose pressed up against the window and watching all the other children having their "snow fun" she was near tears. Damn it. (I started to feel guilty because just the week before I had a pair of boots for her in my Target cart... but...then I saw something I wanted and ditched the boots in housewares. Yes, I put my needs first, so sue me.)
What was I to do? Thankfully, I remembered what my ingenious mother use to use in lieu of snowboots...she simply put bread bags over our shoes and tied them with rubber bands. Yes, it was humiliating, but at least we got to go outside. Granted, it took us about two hours to get up a small hill with our sleds due to traction problems...
If bread bags were good enough for me, they're good enough for my offspring. I didn't have any rubber bands so Elizabeth's bread bags were held up with hair ties.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Huh? What? Where am I?
All this because I agreed to take child to an indoor water park resort and must put on a bathing suit in two weeks...
I'm starting to see spots...
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
GET OVER YOURSELVES!!!
What do these geriatrics have in common?? They both continue to think they are twenty-five years old and can be action heroes!! Uh, not so much, boys!
Yes, presently you can find Sylvester Stallone in ROCKY XIIIIIIIIII, allegedly going toe-to-toe with someone who could be his grandson. It doesn't matter that Rocky now looks about as old as his first coach, Mickey (Meredith Burgess in vein-popping performances...). Seriously, have you seen Sylvester recently? His face is more bloated than Jerry Lewis' face. At least in this go-round Adrian had the decency to act her age (she's dead).
Harrison Ford? Har-ri-son Ford?? Ok, that guy has been in a midlife crisis for the last decade. First, he gets his ear pierced. Then he ditches his wife. Then he takes up flying...AND THEN...AND THEN... HE STARTS DATING THAT WALKING CADAVER, CALISTA FLOCKHART!!!! (Sidenote: I don't get her. I didn't get Ally McBeal. I don't get her.) Anyhoo, this fool is about to start filming a new Indiana Jones movie with him, naturally, as the hero. As if.
You know who I blame for this false sense of age? I blame Dick Clark. Yes, you heard me...Dick Clark. I admit Dick hung in there a very long time...he looked great for his age...up until...HE HAD A FRICKIN STROKE!! Did you see that man on the last two "Dick Clark's New Year's Eve"? Sad, just sad. Note to Dick: Exit stage left, buddy. Are they going to just keep draggin that man out every New Year's from 11:46 to 11:48 simply because he's Dick Clark?? Pretty soon its going to start looking a lot like "Weekend at Bernie's"...
The sun has set...go home already.