Suburban Warrior

So, I got to get off bedrest recently...to go to give blood for my glucose test (a requirement for pregnant women). I was a little nervous about the test because the night before I ate half a sheet cake.

I was actually looking forward to it merely to get the heck out of my house after a long month of bedrest. Unfortunately, my appointment was for 7:00 am and the lab was a good twenty minutes from my residence. For this reason I had to get out my door by 6:30--basically the middle of the night. Of course, when the alarm rang out in the morning, I commenced hitting the SNOOZE button until 6:25, leaving me with a full five minutes to get going. No problem, as Suburban Warrior often takes on an asexual look with a wardrobe of baseball hat, sweatshirt,
cargo pants, no makeup, etc. As I looked at my reflection in my full length mirror, I thought to myself, "Well, I bet the people at the lab have never seen a pregnant man before". (Not to mention, my lip and eyebrows have not been waxed since the summer and each day I look more and more like Groucho Marx).

Anyhoo, I arrive at the lab and check in with the receptionist (after establishing the fact that I was, indeed, female). She informs me it will be a few minutes and for me to have a seat until I am called. At this particular lab, you must give your full birthdate to establish your identity before they take you back to have your blood work. Not a problem as I know my birthday. But I really wasn't prepared for what I witnessed next...The receptionist called "Sally Hall" (names changed to protect the innocent) and an obviously pregnant woman went to the front desk. The receptionist asked for her birthdate...and this was her response, "1981".WHAT THE ?!?! Did that girl, who I thought looked just like me, say 1981?!?! 19 frickin 81!! OH MY GOD!! I think I was at my school prom in 1981! How can someone born in 1981 be having a baby? After I did the math, I realized it was possible for someone born in 1981 to be having a legitimate pregnancy! Ssheesh. Then a chill went through my body...I AM OLD!! AND I'M HAVING A BABY! To make myself relax I just reminded myself that forty is the new thirty!! I can have a baby at forty if I want!! That dumb 1981 girl is a baby having a baby and she won't know what she's doing. Ahh, I felt better. Then the receptionist called the next pregnant woman and asked her what her birthdate was. My heart sank again when the lil bitch said "1978". Damn it! Who are these freaks?!

Finally, my name was called. I pulled my geriatric body up and off my chair and made the walk of shame to the receptionist's desk where I was to report my birtdate. I stated "12/5/1965" as discreetly as possible. Apparently, too discreetly...as the receptionist said, "did you say 1975?".
Ahem, NO I DID NOT and are you MOCKING ME?!?! I slowly pulled down the bill of my baseball cap and corrected her, "uh, no, I said 1965". I swear to you, the lady sitting directly next to the desk stopped reading her book, put it in her lap and looked up to see who in God's name uttered that prehistoric date...could I take any more humiliation? I just wanted to get home, back in bed and wait for the grim reaper.

Needless to say, I passed my blood test with flying colors.