Suburban Warrior

A reader named Antonio inquired about the whereabouts of Puss n Boots and it brought back memories...

One Halloween, when I was in first grade, I was to be in my first Halloween parade at my new school. If you remember, what one chose for his or her Halloween costume said alot about oneself. You could make or break your social status by the costume you wore. Back in the early seventies I don't remember many children sporting store bought costumes...most of the costumes were homemade. This one family, the Linscotts, thrilled the spectators every year with their elaborate homemade costumes...the Linscott children dominated the various grade level awards, which was really annoying because there were about 25 Linscott children (it was a Catholic school). Well, I was determined not to be beaten by a Linscott my first time out!!

As I took my time deciding what to wear, my older sister quickly reported that she was going to be a witch. "You'll never beat the Linscotts with that original idea", I laughed. Oh, but she had something up her sleeve that would make her witch stand out she said!! My sister's bright idea was to smear cold cream all over her face to make her witch look "scarier and more sinister!". How 'bout just weird...

Anyhoo...I guess I took too long deciding what I was going to be because one night at dinner my mother announced she had decided I was to be "Puss n Boots". Who? What? None of my sisters or me had even heard of this puss in boots!?!? But my mother was determined I was to be Puss n Boots, so it was to be. Now it would have been ok if my mother had any skill in the sewing or creativity departments, but she had zilch. Do you know what that woman made me wear to the big Halloween parade??? I swear to God, this is what I wore the night of my humiliation: a plain gymnastics suit, black snow boots, and one of my dad's dress socks stuffed and pinned to my ass! No whiskers, no cat ears, NOTHING!! That would have been "thinking outside of the box" for my mother!! Even at 7 years old, I knew this costume wasn't a good idea...but off I went to dethrone the Linscotts!

Well, of course, I was the talk of my class as we waited in line to parade into the gym with the rest of the school. By that time, my tail had been ripped off me and I felt like a fool, but the show had to go on...I bravely walked into the gym and marched 3 laps around the gym so the judges could get a good look and decide the winners. I frantically searched for the Linscott twins. I spotted them and couldn't believe my eyes. They were wearing gigantic papier-mache'd (show offs!) heads of Bert and Ernie with correlating outfits!! A huge cheer erupted from the crowd as they entered! The rest of us should have just packed it up at that point...but wait!! Maybe my sister in her night cream had a chance...

Think again...I saw my sister being dragged off to the bathroom by her teachers...vomit all down the front of her. She was obviously sick...she was white as a ghost...oh, no...that was her cold cream. I remember thinking, "NOW she looks scary!!"

I have hated Puss n Boots ever since that night.