Suburban Warrior

I know people, I've heard the news.

The sun has set for one of our neighbor bloggers. Apparently, Irene could not maintain her "Scene". Understandable. Writing a blog every few days is not for the weak or for sissies and as we know, Irene is both of those. The good news is that Suburban Warrior will not edit Irene from her life so you can find out what Irene's been up to (if anyone cares) if you stay tuned to this more interesting blog. Will Irene get her boob job? Will Irene produce another cowboy? Will Irene ever become fashionable? Will laser hair removal really work on Irene's mug? Is Irene really a man?

Goodnight Irene...and good luck.

So Elizabeth turned seven the other day! I can't believe it...she leaves for college in another ten years. I think she could actually leave tomorrow and do ok...socially, not necessarily academically (at least not without her abacus).

We decided not to have the usual birthday party hoopla for her this year. Poor deprived child. She was ok with that. Proof positive that we are really good parents, I think. Anyhoo, Elizabeth really, really wanted to get her ears pierced so we decided to indulge her and agreed (we have gone through this song and dance before...Elizabeth ALWAYS chickens out when we get to the mall). Not so this time.

Our first mistake was going to the mall to do this on a Saturday afternoon. Granted, I usually hate the general public in general, but this was beyond hell...it was packed with wild tweens gearing up for the summer!!!! They were everywhere....giggling, running, drinking Starucks, and just plain getting in my damn way. Of course, the bulk of these kids were congregating in and around our ear piercing destination...the lovely and upscale jewelry shop, "Claire's". Yeah, not so much. Claire's is cheese of the cheese, but every seven year old girl's dream store...unlimited supplies of cheap jewelry, hair supplies, and crap. The store is crammed with people, the merchandise (and I use that term liberally) is strewn all over the aisles (which are approximately two feet wide) and I begin to feel like I want to beat the living hell out of someone. I am pushing Eileen in a stroller (not really pushing, more like ramming it into the displays to make the aisles a little more wider...) and running over the debris on the floor in an effort to reach the counter and find a "Claire's associate" to help us pierce Elizabeth's ears. I am sweating by the time I reach the counter...only to find a young girl (she looked ten to me) behind the check-out sporting roughly seven earrings in each ear. Employee discount I guess...The Pirate Associate informs me she is alone in the store right now (on a crowded Saturday!!!) but her co-worker will be back momentarily as she just went to get a drink of water. Great. We'll just wait... right... over...well, we'll just wait RIGHT HERE CONSIDERING WE CAN'T FRICKIN MOVE in this crowded hell hole!!!!

You know what? I'm getting too worked up writing this...so I'll cut to the chase. After signing my life away (you now have to sign all this paperwork basically promising not to ever sue Claire's if my kid's ears fall off due to their idiotic "consultant's" pierce job), Elizabeth sat firm and the job was done!! I have to admit I did hesitate when I read the paperwork and realized some girl was about to drill holes into my daughter's flesh, but then I let her do it anyway because I thought of the alternative...someday I would have to return to this God-forsaken store and eventually let her get her ears pierced!!! "Pierce away!!!" I screamed!

Irene, consider yourself lucky to have sired boys!

The other day the girls and I ran into someone I hadn't seen in a few months. She congratulated Warrior for procreating yet another magnificently beautiful human being. What can I say...it's my genes. Anyhoo...said individual commented on how much Elizabeth looks like my husband. I agreed and said I may have to try for Baby #3 so I can at least have one child that resembles me (thus becoming even more magnificent than the existing creations. So beautiful that you MUST look away or your eyes will get burned. Even more breathtaking than that Nambian Princess Shiloh Noveu Jolie-Pitt!) . The woman looked over at Elizabeth, who was spinning a hoola hip around her neck, and gave her the once over...then she turned to me and said, "Well...Elizabeth has your legs." Uh, ok...what the #%$#??? Now, keep in mind Elizabeth is only six, so how bad can her legs be?? However, the flip side of that thinking is...a six your old has no definition in her legs whatsoever (at least my kid doesn't).

Anyway, I really didn't know how to take that comment...so I decided not to say she had her son's chest.